Realite

Four cups of coffee, restless sleep, stomache ache for two days, head spinning, overwhelmed and freaked out.

I bought a non-refundable, no exchange, no change one way ticket to Paris. And it hit me like a ton of bricks to the face. I am moving December 26th at 9:10PM via Air India. Carry me away from my home, family and friends amidst saris and curry. Note to self: bring a sandwich for the plane. Curry might not be a good idea that day.

I cleaned everything in my apartment and put it all at right angles. Order is good. Impending change...change is bad change is bad, no, no change is good change is good....breathe....just because you went to a dinner party with French friends last night and understood nothing doesn't mean that you will understand nothing in France. Um, actually, yes it does. Ok, ok, ok, ok....breeeeeeeathe. So it will take you a while to learn an entire language. Maybe years. Maybe a lifetime! I'm from New Jersey, how can I possibly learn an entire language? What if I'm suddenly the QUIET girl, the girl that doesn't speak because she can't communicate. My mouth has been going since I was born, now I will be silenced? That girl in the corner no one talks to whose husband works all day while she slowly goes insane in a one room apartment with a bitchy French cat who can't stand her cause she renamed her Snowball and tried to hug her while she fell apart crying cause she missed her friends and instead got a claw to the face. The hungry girl in the corner who hasn't eaten in three days cause she's too scared to try and order a sandwich again cause the guy behind the counter was mean.

But I'm not afraid. Yes I am. Today I am afraid. So I'll feel afraid right now and then let it go cause maybe tomorrow I will wake up and feel like my bad ass self again. The wonderfully charming musician who loves people and loves to throw a party. The self confident artist who is curious about the world. Not the freaked out Jersey girl who just wants her Mom to make her a Spaghetti-Os sandwich on Wonder Bread and call it a day.

Breathe.