Wednesday, September 16, 2009

KEEPIN' IT REAL.

I am playing a real concert here in Paris at La Maroquinerie on October 14th. By "real", I mean a place where the sound system includes more than one crappy PA system, some broken amps and a bored dick for brains sound guy, holds more than four people comfortably, has an actual stage and most importantly, PAYS you. In cash money. Not warm beer. Yes, it's all the rage here to pay you with two small half glasses of warm beer. You brought forty people to our club who drank all night and made us a lot of money? Here's a nice warm shot glass of piss beer, thanks for letting us rip you off, now get out. It's like if I had my old desk job and my boss suddenly came in and told me I would now be paid with two small glasses of toilet water straight out of the bathroom, hope that's ok, now go jump off a cliff.
Not anymore....because this morning I was asked by the booker for the real club to provide my hospitality rider (my list of demands for the concert). My first thought is "2 lbs. of cheddar cheese and a can of Beefaroni. Hot. Out of the can."

I flash back to my days as a P.A. (Production Assistant) in live television concerts. I once was sent to Bed, Bath and Beyond on a frantic fetch for white candles for Jennifer Lopez's trailer because apparently everything in the trailer had to be white and the green candles in there would just not do. Jenny From The Block. Keeping it real. How, exactly, do people end up in that special crazytimes place where reality takes a nosedive? I also watched one of the tour managers for Def Leppard light into a woman in the talent department (who was 8 months pregnant at the time) over the cheese plate on their provided private jet. Standing there watching a grown man yell his head off at a tiny, 5 foot tall pregnant woman over a cheese plate made me think that yes, in fact, the human race will eventually be wiped off the planet.

But right now I am thinking what I WOULD actually like in my rider.
Me.
Dana From The Block.



2 pounds YELLOW farm fresh English cheddar cheese
1 can Beefaroni, hot, out the can
1 fork, shiny and silver, NO plastic
1 box Premium brand saltines
2 bags sour cola bottles candy
1 EXTRA large bag sour skittles (1 lb. or higher)
1 lb. ground chuck roast shaped into the letter D
1 D shaped bun (NO SEEDS)
1 plate of fixins (NO MAYONAISE)
1 Weber Smoker Mountain Cooker grill
1 can Crazy Uncle Jester's Brush Fire BBQ sauce
4 cans COLD Cel-Ray soda
4 packs Dentyne Ice Vanilla Chill gum
3 bags CRUNCHY cheetos (NO PUFFS)
1/2 lb. Dean's French Onion Dip
9 bags Lay's Potato chips

And on and on and on and on......I think everyone should write up their own rider. If you need inspiration, click HERE.

6 comments:

Jessie's thoughts: said...

I think we should all go through life with a rider. In fact, I think this may be the answer to what's been missing in mine.

The Everyday Minimalist said...

Going to create my own rider on a piece of paper now.

And yes, it includes a lot of cheese.

donna said...

Well, J Lo's rider DOES specify WHITE candles....

Adam said...

Funny that you say that Paris is a rip-off city for musicians. From what I'd heard it is one of the most generous around. I have a friend who is a manager of a few groups in the UK and he says that his groups love playing in Paris as they get a good paycheck and they get put up for the night in a hotel. Lower down the scale, I have a musician friend here who is often paid, even at such small venues as La Cantine de Belleville. That would never happen in the UK - in fact, there are even venues where you have to pay to play!

Danny G said...

Cuz of my low reading comprehension skills i thought that list of rider items was actually a recipe for something your mom might have made.

Crazy Uncle Jester said...

If the venue won't provide the items on your rider, let us know...we'll at least get you the sauce. Thanks for the Shout Out! Consider yourself picked up in the PepperHead Fan Club.