Today I went with FB to visit his horses for the first time. He failed to warn me that we were going to mudfields to carouse with two huge dogs that looked like Cujo twin killing machines who immediately jumped at me and destroyed my $250 "cutest hoodie ever from an overpriced Park Slope boutique" with mud while also rendering my ONLY pair of sneakers I brought completely useless as I sunk six inches into the brown quicksand. FB wore his wedding shoes, by the way, which now resemble an adobe.
The woman who takes care of his horses is cool but speaks no English and I failed to mention that I am actually REALLY afraid of horses so I stood silently by while he brought one in from the field and just pretended to the everyone that I was not, in fact, about to run for cover from fear of getting kicked in the head by the beasts who DEFINITELY smelled fear on me. I tried to stay out of the way while they cleaned the horses in the barn. She boards lots of horses there so people were coming and going, all of whom I tried to avoid.
I quickly realized that trying to avoid French people for fear of someone actually speaking to me in French is pretty useless at this point. Still, I insisted on sitting alone in the freezing cold, off to the side, pretending to go over my "flashcards" (which I now carry in my pocket). The boyfriend of the horse boarder finally saw me and came over to say in perfect English "you know, you can come inside if you want, it's freezing out here and it's dark now" to which I breezily responded "oh really? I hadn't noticed".
I'm totally pretending to be cool. Fake it til you make it. Off to wash my stank ass ruined city clothes.
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